


No One's Here To Sleep

by Adarian



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-26
Updated: 2014-11-26
Packaged: 2018-02-27 02:49:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2676188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adarian/pseuds/Adarian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU: Tamlen is rescued months after the Wardens begin their quest and joins their Order. But after the months apart and their vastly different experiences of the Blight, Tamlen and Mahariel have trouble going back to their old relationship. Written for the kink-meme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No One's Here To Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Miscarriage

"Wardens!"

Mahariel and Alistair turned around, hearing Leilana's scream. They ran towards the creek, finding her standing in the water, her hand covering her chest.

"I thought it was a darkspawn," she cried, "But then it started talking. It just stopped, I think it passed out."

"What did it say?" Alistair asked.

Mahariel bent down to look at it and the creature stared back up at her. She immediately scooped it into her arms, dragging it out of the water.

"What the hell are you doing?" Alistair yelled, "Kill it." 

Mahariel whispered, "Run back and get Wynne. Right now. Please."

Leilana ran and Alistair waded out, helping her bring it to shore. Mahariel took off her coat, wrapping it around it.

"Thank you," it whispered.

Mahariel murmured, "Tamlen...it's going to be okay. Just hold on."

Alistair stood, transfixed as she rose, holding Tamlen to her.

"Will you carry him?" She pleaded, "I'm not strong enough."

Alistair shuddered, taking the creature into his arms. He followed Mahariel as they went back to the camp. Wynne ran forward, but stopped, seeing Tamlen.

"He's turning into a shriek," she murmured, "You should kill him now before it's too late."

Mahariel shook her head, protesting, "No. No you have to save him. Bring him through the Joining if you need to. He's already tainted and I know you helped at Ostagar for mine. Dear Creators, please, you have to try."

"Bring him into my tent, Alistair," she directed, "Send in Leilana. Wait outside, Warden. I don't want you to watch this."

Mahariel waited helplessly as they worked around her. She stood by the fire, alone except for the dog. She refused to sit. She wanted to be able to run and protect him. She could see the shadows moving in the tent, see Alistair retreating as Tamlen struggled against the other two. He left and went to her side.

"Do you know him?" He asked gently.

Mahariel couldn't explain. To say he was a friend denied the almost familial bond between them. To say he was a brother was to deny the love between them. To call him a lover was blasphemous, disrespectful. So she said nothing.

Wynne called Alistair back in after a time. Mahariel could hear the words through the fabric of the tent, the same words she heard herself while she faced death. She knelt in the dirt and prayed, prayed harder than she ever had in her life. When Wynne touched her shoulder, she almost jumped.

"You can come in now," she said quietly.

Mahariel followed her in, seeing Tamlen lying on a bedroll. He was cleaned from most of the dirt and grime, allowing his skin to be shown more clearly. He looked elven still, but long dark lines ran across his arms down from his fingers. His hair was falling out and long slashes covered his chest. 

She looked up, realizing Alistair was standing in the corner, his arms across his chest.

"I think he'll live," Wynne said, "He's survived the Joining, but he has had so much of the Taint already in him and his wounds are severe. Even if he survives...Warden, you have to understand. It is harder for Grey Wardens who join during a Blight. The proximity to darkspawn, it speeds up the Taint. But he has had so much exposure already. If he lived five years, I would be surprised. He might have two or three. Best case."

Mahariel covered her mouth and sat down beside him. Alistair tried to touch her shoulder, but she threw his hand off her.

"Leave," she ordered.

When they were alone, she laid down beside him. He shivered and she pulled the blankets around them both and held him to her. He smelled differently. She could feel his heart beat in her own body, feeling the presence of another Warden...but also that of a darkspawn. She wanted to weep, but she continued to pray through the night, refusing to fall asleep.

In the early light of dawn, Tamlen stirred, rolling to face her. He opened his eyes and she sighed in relief. His face had changed little, only a few dark lines running from his neck. His eyes were still bright and aware.

"Juin," he murmured, "Am I still dreaming? It is good to dream of something other than death. I have missed you, Sister. I walked the forests to find you, to find your body. I wanted to die by your side. Maybe I have found you, my love, maybe it is time...there is less pain than I would have thought...the Creators are kind."

"Tamlen," she croaked, "You're alive. This isn't a dream. I'm here. You're safe, I promise. Please...please stay with me."

He tried to sit up, but he was too weak. She helped him and he squinted in the light of the day, raising his hand to block it from his sight. He glanced at the hand, seeing the lines.

"This isn't a dream," he said finally, "I am still dying."

She shook her head, "We've stopped the spread of the disease. You're getting better. Wynne-our healer-she says that you're getting better. You're a Grey Warden now...really, just in name. We have a ritual, it saved your life. We can't get rid of the Taint, but now your body can live with it."

"You have had this too?" He asked.

"I wasn't as sick as you," she explained, "They found me. The shem, Duncan. He found me and pulled me back. I tried to fight, I tried to kill him even, but he wouldn't let me go. I wanted to find you...I tried to find you...please, Brother, please forgive me."

He nodded and said, "I need rest. Where is this healer, I would like to thank them."

"She's human," Mahariel warned, "There's only one elf with us, a flat-ear, the rest of my party, more or less, is human."

"You travel with these shems?" He asked in confusion, "Why did you not go back to the Dalish? A different clan even. Where are we? Where are we going?"

"Lie down," she said softly, "Alistair will explain everything, he's better at that sort of thing than me. Just get some rest. I need to sleep. I can rest now that I know you're okay."

He touched her hand gently, saying nothing before she left. Alistair stood by the door and she nodded, letting him go inside. She went to the fire where Leilana was cooking breakfast, humming to herself.

"What did he say to you when you found him?" Mahariel asked.

Leilana shook her head, "It was nothing."

"Don't lie," she warned, "What did he say?"

Leilana hesitated and murmured, "He asked me to kill him."

Mahariel said quietly, "Thank you."

She left to go into her own tent, falling asleep the minute her head hit the ground.

oOoOo

Mahariel woke, hearing a scream. She ran out of the tent only in her underclothes, chasing into Wynne's tent. Tamlen had his hand around the mage's throat, growling.

"Tamlen!" Mahariel shouted, "What are you doing?"

"You should have let me die, witch!" Tamlen screamed.

"Let go of her," Mahariel warned, "Right now."

Tamlen let go, glaring at her. She felt a chill go through her. She could see more of the damage on his skin in the afternoon light, the bald patches on his head. While he looked more and more elven, he looked less like Tamlen. 

Wynne cast a quick spell, recovering from the assault.

"I'll handle him," Mahariel promised, "I'm so sorry. Just, just give us a minute."

Wynne left her tent, clearly shaken. She heard the others outside, a few worried whispers. Mahariel knelt before Tamlen, reaching out to touch him. His chest was bare, the wounds only starting to mend together. He recoiled.

"You aren't dressed," he said quietly, "It is indecent for you to be in the same tent as me. The Creators will disapprove."

"You've seen me wear less," she reminded, "And I've been closer."

He said nothing, letting her sit beside him. He let his body down to the ground, shaking.

"I didn't want to hurt her," he whispered, "I just feel...like fighting. I feel like I could kill a man with my hands. I feel so...so angry. Lethallan, I am not like you or the other Warden. You've made me a monster."

She bristled and replied, "You're not. You're the same man. I promise. I know this is such a shock and I'm so sorry. It's adrenaline. Every Warden feels different after the Joining."

"I was closer to darkspawn when you found me," he replied, "And even now I am...corrupted."

She touched his face and he leaned into her touch. His skin was still soft. When he looked up at her, it was the same face she had seen a thousand times, the same lips. Her fingers traced them and he hung his head, pushing her away.

"She told me I don't have a lot of time," Tamlen said, "I would rather have had a quick death, a noble death. You've bought me time. I should be grateful, but I wish I had not lived to see the Blight...to have seen what I have seen..."

His hands traced his chest as he said, "It would be better not to remember."

He stood weakly, covered in Zevran's underclothes. Mahariel helped him to his feet. 

"I will apologize to her," he said quietly, "Then I should return to our people."

"Please stay with me," she pleaded, "There are only three Grey Wardens in this entire country. We need you to help stop the Blight. You are a good hunter, Tamlen, a good warrior. You have survived what many could not. You have a duty."

She flinched as she said the words, the same Duncan had said as he tore her from her clan. She hated him for it, hated herself for listening to him.

Tamlen sighed and said, "I am not strong enough to walk to this Redcliffe."

"I'll carry you if I have to," she promised, "Maybe Bodahn can take you in his cart. I'll find a way. You'll be strong soon. You're healing so quickly."

Tamlen said quietly, "I must apologize. Then we can prepare to leave."

As Tamlen turned to go, she reached out to touch his arm. He looked back at her, sadness overwhelming his face.

"I will go with you," he said, "But I cannot promise more than that."

She stood alone as he left the tent. She wanted to throw the bedroll after him, throw everything in her possession. She would have gone through hell and back to save him and he was so ungrateful, that he hated her so much.

She wept, falling to her knees. If her companions heard her, they were kind enough to give her space.

oOoOo 

They were less than a mile from Redcliffe when Alistair pulled her aside.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" He asked quietly.

They walked off to the side, letting the other party members move ahead of them. They lagged behind, walking slowly in step with each other.

"Your friend, Tamlen," Alistair said, "He seems to be getting better."

Mahariel looked ahead, watching Tamlen walk beside Sten, engaged in quiet conversation. His gait was not strong, but his endurance was growing. In the past three days, he had gone from being able to walk only a few miles on his own to being able to keep up with the others. In another week, he might be as strong a fighter as before.

Mahariel agreed, "It is good to see him so well."

Alistair said quietly, "After we leave Redcliffe, I think we should try to find the Dalish. And I think we should ask them to take him in."

Mahariel asked, "What?"

Alistair said, "When I talked to him...he didn't want to be here. I don't blame him. He's not well, he's gone through a terrible experience. I mean...look at him."

Tamlen had shaved his head, hiding his hair loss, but the dark streaks still remained. If one didn't know better, they might just think them tattoos. But to them, it was a constant reminder of what might lay ahead for them. Of what they both could have succumbed to in the Joining.

"He's one of us," Mahariel said, "He's a fighter. He understands, better than either of us, what's at stake here. I will not abandon him to an unknown clan. Not now."

"I know you care about him-"

Mahariel cut him off, "I know you don't trust him. So trust in me. I would not put you in danger. You know that."

Alistair hesitated and said softly, "I know."

"It's been only a few days," she said, "We'll rest at Redcliffe, get some supplies. Please. Have a bit of patience with him."

"Okay," he said, smiling weakly, "We'll give it a try."

She gave his hand a squeeze before returning to her position in the front. She smiled at Tamlen, who gave a nod in her direction. The mabari came to her side and she marched forward into the village.

oOoOo

Mahariel laid alone in bed at the castle. The halls were quiet except for the servants attempting to clear the debris. The calm was eerie, knowing what she had fought through not long before hand.

It was painful, knowing Tamlen was only a few doors away, sharing a room with Zevran. The assassin had been oddly gentle with him and Tamlen seemed only comfortable with him and Sten. He refused to talk to the humans and hid with the only two he trusted. 

When she found she couldn't sleep, she rose, walking to the balcony. Max whined a bit from the floor and she gave him a pet before opening the doors. 

The village was still beautiful, even after the damage. She had never gotten used to the twinkling lights of the village. She was scared to see Denerim, the largest human settlement she had ever gone to. It was frightening, thinking of so many people pressed together. 

She was lost in her own thoughts when she heard the door open. 

"Lethallan."

She turned, seeing Tamlen standing before her. He closed the door and walked to her side. She resisted the urge to pull him into her arms, standing still until he approached her.

"I've missed you so much," she whispered, "Creators. I thought about you every day. You were always the first thing I thought of in the day, the last thought before I slept. If they had let me die for you...oh Tamlen. Those five months must have been..."

Tamlen murmured, "They were everything you could imagine...maybe worse. I nearly starved a dozen times. I lived off my kills but they were...not dignified. The darkspawn tried to kill me...but then it was more frightening when they started leaving me alone. I kept walking. I thought I should just kill myself, but I thought...I thought somewhere out there, you were suffering too. I wanted to be with you at the end. And now...this I could never have expected."

He pressed his forehead against hers and she let herself be brought into his arms. She kissed him softly, pressing her hands against his chest.

"Stay with me," she pleaded, "These past few days...it's been a nightmare. I worry that you hate me, I just-"

"It's hard for me," he said, "You're...you're different. You were frightened of shemlen men, but here you are, with them. With him."

"Alistair," she said gently, "Was the only person he knew what I was going through. I have made no advances on him, nor he. He has been a comfort and a friend."

"He wants you," Tamlen shook his head, "I can see it in his eyes. And I can see in yours that you are attracted to him."

Mahariel protested, "I thought you were dead. I didn't ever think-"

"Five months," he laughed darkly, "After everything...five months, and you're already lusting after everything you said you hated. A shemlen man, a royal shemlen man. Do your marks mean nothing to you? You want to play princess now? Where's the warrior I know? Where's the hunter, the protect of the Dalish?"

She pushed him away.

"Do you think so little of me?" She howled, "I admired a man, a friend. Did you never look at a woman in your life? I was loyal to you when I had no need to be. I was heartbroken and he was there."

"You mated with him," Tamlen murmured.

"I didn't, but if I had, you have no right to judge me."

"The Creators-"

"Screw them," Mahariel spat, "You have no right to talk about impropriety with me. You are just as guilty as I am."

Tamlen said softly, "That was different."

"How so?" She asked, crossing her arms across her chest, "We weren't bonded. We were barely of age. The Keeper forbade us from seeing each other, but that didn't stop us. You have no right to pretend to be innocent about sex when you and I..."

She caught her breath and whispered, "Creators, Tamlen. How could you not understand? Even if I had...it would have been because I thought I would never see you again, never hold you again. I was afraid and scared and so lonely."

"I can't listen to this anymore," he murmured.

"Why did you come?" She asked.

He shook his head, "It doesn't matter now."

She watched him leave, closing the door behind him. She closed her eyes as she sat down on the bed. Max came up to lie beside her and she stroked his ears, curling into his side. 

oOoOo

"Why did you do it?"

Mahariel looked up from her documents, seeing an angry Tamlen stride in the aravel. 

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"You helped those beasts?" He growled, "You freed them? You should have killed them, killed all of them. Zatharian was a good leader, you've doomed this clan to the darkspawn. How will that flat-ear lead them?"

"Lanaya is smart and clever," Mahariel replied, putting her papers down, "And I was trying to broker peace. This ends the curse, this saved lives. How can you judge these people for what their ancestors did?"

"I would have killed any shemlen with my bare hands who tried to do to you what they did to his daughter," Tamlen whispered, "I would have killed every one of them myself. It could have easily been you, lethallan. You are strong and brave, but these men...these humans..."

"We're safe," she murmured, taking his hand.

"I don't understand you," he admitted, "I...I see the woman I loved slipping away. She was not afraid to fight for what was right..."

She felt as if she had been slapped across the face and she rose up. 

"What do you want from me?" She cried out, "Do you want me to kill every human who crosses my path? They didn't do this to us, the Blight did. I'm trying to stop this so no one ever has to suffer what you and I went through-"

"Don't you dare try to pretend it was the same for us," Tamlen said angrily, "Don't you dare. What happened to you that was anywhere near as bad? What did you lose?"

"Get out," she hissed, "Get out!"

He left, hitting the side of the vehicle with his hand. She left too, walking to the other side of the settlement, finding Alistair sitting by the fire, a few children on his lap, listening to a story he was clearly making up on the spot. 

He looked up and asked, "Are you okay?"

"No," she admitted.

"Okay, story time over, it's adult business time," Alistair said, "Everybody scoot."

The kids protested but eventually scattered, leaving the pair to sit beside each other. Mahariel shivered in the cold and Alistair put his cloak around her shoulders.

"Are you okay with what happened today?" He asked, "That can't have been easy for you."

"It's just Tamlen," she confessed, "I keep thinking we can work through this, but...he hates me. Nothing I do is right and he just ignores me and...I can't touch him, I can't hold him and he-"

"You were together," Alistair said sheepishly, "Of course. I thought...well, I hoped..."

Mahariel said gently, "No, we weren't. Not really. It's...it's hard to explain."

"Try."

Mahariel bit her lip and said, "The Dalish are...very different then humans when it comes to sexuality and romance. In some ways, we are very liberal. If I had been male or Tamlen female, there would have been no issue with our friendship. Sex with the same gender was perfectly fine. It was not encouraged, but there were understandings. It isn't uncommon for a bonded Dalish to have a same-sex lover, who is considered part of a family, part of the lives of any children either of them would have. But those children must be born to a bonded pair. Bloodlines are very important to us. It was...unusual for a different-sex friendship, even though we were very young when we met. We grew up together. I can't even say we fell in love, it was...it was part of this growing together. I didn't know where I ended and he began. He was...part of me. The Keeper was worried about our relationship, about any children that might be born of it before we bonded. She forbade us from being alone together, but we ignored it. That's why we were alone when we found the mirror. If we had listened...we might not be where we are now."

"So did you..."

Mahariel raised an eyebrow, "Have intercourse? Yes. Many times. I know you have less experience in this, but among your kind, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You don't risk shaming your ancestors and punishment from the gods."

"Make that god singular and it's pretty much the same thing with us," Alistair laughed, "And by less, you should mean none."

She smiled, "That is not a bad thing."

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, "I guess...love can be more complicated than I thought."

"Thank you for listening," she said, "I should go and talk to him. We need to get along, at the very least. We were both unkind."

She rose, giving his cloak back to him. His hand brushed against hers and she felt a flutter in her heart. Tamlen was not wrong, she was attracted to Alistair. He was so different from the man she loved, but not undesirable. She generally was fearful of human men, but there was something about him, something that made her trust him.

She walked towards Zevran's tent, expecting to find Tamlen there. She paused, hearing the low moans, the panting. She knew she should turn around, but she knew she had to see it with her own eyes in order to believe it.

She opened the curtain slightly and was easily able to see what was happening. Zevran was behind Tamlen, thrusting into him deeply as Tamlen groaned into the sheets, his cock in his hand. She felt a flush go through her. She had suspected for awhile, as this would be morally acceptable to Tamlen and Zevran had been so kind to him. But to see this...it aroused her and pained her at the same time. She knew she should turn away, but to see Tamlen's face in ecstasy, to see him grin, she didn't want to. 

She watched his orgasm, his seed spilling out onto the bed. Zevran soon followed, pushing forward before falling beside him. They kissed briefly before pulling the sheets over them. 

She left, walking back to her own tent. She laid down, trying not to think about what she had seen, of what she had told Alistair. She closed her eyes, unable to sleep, thinking of Tamlen's face, thinking of Alistair's touch on her hand. It would have been so easy to pull him into her tent then, to take him into her body. But it would mean more to him than it did to her.

Or so she tried to tell herself.

oOoOo

They were ambushed in the streets of Denerim, Alistair and Mahariel on the way to Eamon's Estate. Mahariel found herself knocked to the ground, the bandits trying to grab at her clothes, her gear. She managed to push one off, but the old familiar fears came flooding back to her. She started screaming, finally reaching a dagger. She cut through one, managing to rise to her feet. 

"Alistair!" She called out. 

She looked, seeing him cut through a bandit. He raced to her side, knocking a man down with his shield in order to cover her. They stood back to back as the other raced off. Alistair started chasing after him but stopped, grabbing at his side. He fell onto his knees and Mahariel raced after him. She caught him just as he fell, seeing the blood between his fingers. 

She grabbed a poultice from her bag, forcing his head back in order to slip the liquid down his throat. He coughed, his eyes opening again. 

And then he kissed her.

Mahariel's first reaction was to pull away, but she deepened the kiss, holding his hair in her hand. 

He whispered to her, "I'm sorry. I know...oh Maker...I just...I couldn't...I was so scared I lost you. I was so afraid."

She pressed her forehead against his.

"I'm falling in love with you," Alistair admitted, "And that scares me because...because I know you still love him. I'm not jealous, I understand. I mean, I'd want you to pick me, but...but I know you would choose him."

"I wish I could explain it to you," she whispered, "He and I..."

"I know," he said gently, "I get it."

She was tempted to tell him, the secret that only she knew, now that Duncan was dead. But she resisted. 

"Are you okay to walk?" She asked.

He nodded, rising weakly.

"We'll get back and I'll have Wynne look at you," she said gently, "I'm so glad you're safe. You really scared me there."

She let him rest his weight on her as they stumbled through the streets. She felt her heart race, feeling him so close to her. She was relieved when she managed to get him through the door, servants practically carrying him up to his bed.

She stood in the foyer, looking over at Tamlen, deep in conversation with Morrigan. She ignored him, walking towards the baths. She was covered in blood, luckily most of it not being hers. She could use a wash.

She went down into the hot baths at the bottom of the Estate, nodding politely to an attendant who took her clothes from her. She slipped in, grateful for the hot water. She reached over for some soap, washing out her hair. 

"You found the scholar?"

She looked up, seeing Tamlen standing nearby.

"He's gone," Mahariel said, "We must go to the village of Haven. Hopefully there are answers there."

"And Alistair is alright?"

"He was injured," she said, "But he should recover quickly."

"That is good to hear," Tamlen said, turning to walk away.

"He kissed me," Mahariel blurted out.

Tamlen said quietly, "That is no business of mine."

"Isn't it?," she replied angrily, standing up.

He looked away, "You are indecent, Lethallan. We should discuss this later."

"I saw you with Zevran," Mahariel accused. 

Tamlen said softly, "He has...been a comfort these past few weeks. He is not Dalish, but he is sympathetic, he understands. His mother was one of us, did you know that? Yes, we have been intimate."

"Why him?" She pleaded, "Why didn't you come to me?"

"Because he I can trust," he replied curtly, leaving the room. 

She slid into the water, closing her eyes. She almost wanted to slide completely under, to let the warm water take her from this place. But she thought of Alistair; she knew she could not leave him alone to fight off the Blight. He needed her. Even if Tamlen no longer did.

When she was clean, she dressed in fresh clothes and went upstairs to Alistair's room. He was asleep in his bed, his side bandaged lightly. He stirred upon hearing her, sitting up in bed.

"Hey," he said sleepily.

"Hey," she said, sitting beside him.

"About earlier," he said, "I'm sorry, I am-"

She kissed him lightly and he stroked her cheek.

"Give me time," she said, "I can't...not yet."

"Okay," he said gently.

She kissed his forehead and left the room. 

oOoOo

The three Wardens entered the Gauntlet alone, leaving the others to camp further down the mountain. It was too risky to bring more than a few. Tamlen walked ahead of Alistair and Mahariel, his returning strength obvious in his stride. He wore his sword at his side, his bow on his back. She was beginning to recognize him again, see part of his old self in his body. 

She supposed she had Zevran to thank for that.

The Guardian came before them, testing each before they could enter. Alistair went forth, confronted with his regret that he had lived while Duncan had perished. He stepped forth and the Guardian examined the two elves.

"Your destinies are tied together, your regrets, your fears," he said, glancing them over, "Juin...you blame yourself for Tamlen's suffering...and Tamlen, you blame yourself for hers. There is much bitterness and resentment between you both...but great love. Your journey to get here has always been together, even when you are apart."

"We don't need this," Tamlen said, "I'm not going to listen to a ghost tell us about our lives."

"Please," she pleaded, "We need the urn."

"You really believe in this Andrastian nonsense?" He laughed, "This is dirt, dust, nothing."

"We need to try."

Tamlen rolled his eyes, "Fine. Let us through, spirit. Our answers are our own."

They went forth, meeting Alistair before the shadow creatures attacked. They battled their way through, solved the ridiculous puzzles, before reaching the fire.

"We should avert our eyes, Alistair," Tamlen said, "Let her go first, so she has some privacy before we cross."

Alistair blushed and looked away.

Mahariel glared at Tamlen, stripping off her clothes with ease. She tossed them aside before passing through the fire. The other two followed and she could not help but glance back. She had seen Tamlen naked, even after his injuries, but Alistair was something else. She was embarrassed by how attracted she was to him in that moment and looked away again. 

They dressed again and climbed towards the urn. Mahariel took a small pinch, placing it in a poultice jar. Alistair was overwhelmed, crying happily.

"I'd like some time to pray," he said to the other two, "I won't be long." 

They left the room, grabbing their gear before heading back into the snow. Juin left Tamlen, walking towards the ruins. She couldn't stand beside him, not now, not after the nightmare she had seen. The fire brought on visions, brought out what they most feared and desired. She couldn't push away the mourning, not any longer.

Tamlen went after her as she started to sob. He caught her, bringing her into his arms as she cried into his shoulder.

"What did you see?" He asked softly.

"You tell me first," she said, biting her lip.

"The last minute before we passed out, after the Mirror," Tamlen said, "I was trying to crawl to you. I managed to touch your hand. I was trying to protect you...but I passed the Taint to you, didn't I? If I hadn't been so stupid...Creators, we would be home right now, we would be with our clan, our people. This is all my fault. It's always been my fault. I shouldn't be so angry with you when it was me."

"I don't want to tell you what I saw," she murmured, "But I need to."

She held him closer and whispered, "I was pregnant."

He pulled away and she cried, "I was pregnant when we went into that cave. I suspected, but I didn't know. The Keeper told me, right before Duncan brought me away. She had felt the baby when she was trying to save me."

"But you're not now," Tamlen murmured.

She shook her head, "I told Duncan, before the Joining. He knew the Joining might make me miscarry...he knew that it would. I begged him, I pleaded, but he told me I would die if I didn't do it. I wouldn't carry the child to term either way. He...he lied to me. He told me I could have another. But the Wardens have such low fertility, we can't have children. I...I thought I would die, I was torn in two. I had lost you and I had lost the last piece of you. I felt like I was being damned. When I was in the Gauntlet...I saw the miscarriage again. I saw the blood flowing from me."

Tamlen cried and held her to him, kissing her face. 

"I love you," he whispered, "Juin...my love, my only love..."

He leaned in and kissed her, cupping her face in his hands.

"I can't hurt you," he said gently, "I can't. I don't have a lot of time. Alistair...he is not a bad man, for a shem. I think...I think you are pulling from the Dalish, from us...and maybe I can't blame you. We can't go back to who we were. We've lost too much."

"We still have time," she pleaded, "I can't lose you again, I can't keep watching you slip away from me when you're right here."

"I'm sorry," he said, pulling away.

She tried to slap him, but he caught her hand.

"I was carrying your child," she yelled at him, "You don't get to decide for me what I can and can't handle. If you don't want me, tell me you don't want me. Don't pretend this is all for my benefit. Tell me you don't want me!"

He walked off, leaving her in the snow alone. She looked towards the Gauntlet, feeling Alistair's presence as he left the building. She walked towards him and he held her, glancing over to Tamlen, who had grabbed his gear and was already heading back down the mountain.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

She shook her head, "No."

"Come on," he said gently, "Let's go back home-to camp, I mean."

Mahariel let him put his arm around her and she leaned on him. She could feel him catch his breath and she felt a pang of nostalgia. It seemed ages ago when she would walk with Tamlen, his hand shaking as they reached out for her. Three good years, three good years of love and intimacy, all were being dragged through the coals, replaced by screams and yells. By pain.

In Alistair, she felt something new, something budding and innocent. She knew he was perfectly capable of hurting her, like anyone she might care for. But she trusted him to keep her safe, to love her. 

"Can I stay in your tent tonight?" She asked, "I mean, nothing sexual, I just...I just don't want to be alone tonight."

He nodded, "Okay."

When they reached camp, the fire had burned down, all were settling in for the night. No one seemed to notice that Mahariel had joined Alistair in his tent. She stripped out of her underthings and laid down in his bedroll. He hesitantly laid beside her, trying to keep some space between them. Though she hadn't expected to, she told him what had happened. As she talked, he pulled her into his arms, kissing the top of her head. She loved the feel of his body against hers, so large and powerful, but oddly gentle. 

"I'm sorry," he murmured, "I'm so sorry this happened to you. All of it...Maker, Juin, you're...you are so strong. So amazing. After all that, you keep on fighting...you even keep fighting for him..."

"I'm done with that now," she confessed, "I just can't anymore. If Zevran is better for him, then I wish them the best. I just...I wish this wasn't how it ended between us. But it's been ending for so long, these two months. I was just hanging onto something from my past...not looking at what I had gained."

Her heart raced as Alistair leaned in, kissing her softly.

"There's so much I want to say to you," she murmured, "But not tonight. I don't want you to think I'm here to swap between the two of you. I want you to know that I'm here because I want you. You're not a replacement."

"Okay," he whispered, nuzzling into her neck.

She could feel his erection against her leg and she so badly wanted him. But not tonight. He deserved better than this. Her first time...it had been magical. Just her and Tamlen in the forests, right after they confessed they loved each other. They were just kids, but at that moment...it was like they were gods themselves. Not every coupling had been like that, but that first time was perfect. She tried to think of the last time, but she couldn't remember. She hadn't thought it would be the last. 

She pushed the thought away as she curled into Alistair's body. She was starting afresh. Alistair was a good man and even before Tamlen had returned...she had known that she was falling for him. It had felt too soon, too rushed, but now, in these past few months, she understood him better, understood her own heart better.

They fell asleep together, her head on his chest, his heart beat comforting even throughout the nightmares.

oOoOo

Mahariel was once again in her bedroom alone at Redcliffe castle, watching the village from her window. Max lay by the fire, shuffling closer to the heat. It was coming into winter now, the summer long gone. She was thinking of her child. He would have been born soon. It was hard not to wonder where she would have been then. Would Tamlen and her have been bonded right after the pregnancy was discovered? There was a chance the baby would have been given to another clan to raise, as punishment to the two of them. 

But when she dreamed now of the child, she saw less and less of Tamlen in the fantasy. She thought of Alistair holding their son in his arms, his face alit as he rocked him back and forth. She knew it was a hopeless fantasy, as they would probably never conceive. And they had not even had sex yet. Tonight...tonight would be their first night together. 

She startled when she heard a knock on the door. She opened it, sighing at seeing Alistair standing before her, holding a bottle of wine. She let him in and locked the door behind her. 

"I couldn't find glasses," he apologized, "We'll just have to share."

"I can handle that," she smiled.

He uncorked it with his knife and let it rest on the end table.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" She asked.

He kissed her hard in response, his fingers already on the back of her dress. She groaned into his mouth, undoing his stays quickly.

"I warn you," he chuckled, "I have no idea what I'm doing."

"I can help you out," she giggled.

He stepped out of his pants as she worked on getting his shirt over his head. She stepped out of her dress, standing in only her chest band and underwear. They kissed again as she took off her band, tossing it to the floor. He scooped her into his arms and laid down with her in the bed, his erection already straining against his smalls. She slipped her own panties off as he kissed up her legs. She gasped as he kissed her inner thigh, looking up at her, as if for permission.

She nodded, spreading her legs. Alistair kissed her sex softly, exploring her folds with his tongue. He groaned into her, licking her gently. She could feel his fingers looking for something on her mound and she nearly laughed aloud when they brushed against her clit. Someone had done some research. 

His mouth moved upwards, his tongue circling her clit. 

"Creators," she moaned, "Are you sure you've never done this before?"

"Zevran coached me," he blushed.

"I don't want to know," she laughed.

He returned to his task, sucking lightly on her clit as his finger entered her, slowly. He moaned again, thrusting the finger in lightly, as if afraid to break her. 

"Is this okay?" He asked.

She nodded, "Keep going."

His finger left her and he replaced it with his tongue. She gasped, feeling him move inside of her. She grinded against his face, his nose brushing against her clit. He spread her legs further with his hands, diving into her eagerly. His obvious enjoyment brought her closer, but she saw the strain on his smalls. She gently pushed him away and lowered his underwear, letting his cock slightly spring out. Her eyes widened. It turned out humans were slightly bigger than elves. She tried to keep calm as she shimmied them off of him and he pressed against her, his erection hard against her. They kissed deeply, her breasts pressing up against him.

"I don't know what to do next," he laughed nervously.

"Get on your back," she said gently. 

He did so, leaning against the headboard. She straddled his hips, his cock just brushing against her.

"Are you ready?" She asked.

He nodded, breathing shallowly.

She lowered herself and he groaned, sitting further up to put his arms around her. She moved, bringing him in and out of her. He moaned into her neck, panting.

"Maker," he cried out, "Don't stop."

She quickened her pace, lowering a hand to rub at her clit. She bucked against him, pounding him into her as hard as she could. She grunted and he kissed her, his hands pulling at her hair as he moaned loudly.

She felt her orgasm coming and she sped up, the action almost painful as he slammed into her. She could hear him weeping as he kissed down her neck, his fingers digging into her back. She gasped, shaking around him, her legs growing weak. In almost perfect timing, he jutted forward, groaning as he spilled into her. 

Their eyes met and he kissed her fiercely, rolling her under him. 

"I love you," he whispered, "I love you so much."

"That's the sex talking," she teased, kissing him.

"No," he murmured, "I really mean it. I love you more than anything in this world. I really do. I can't imagine my life without you. My love..."

She kissed him softly, holding him close to her. She couldn't say it yet. But she did love him. It wasn't as if she stopped loving Tamlen, but her heart was bigger, strong enough to love another. To love Alistair.

"The wine," he remembered, pulling from her. 

She smiled as she rolled onto her side, watching him return with the bottle. They sat against the headboard, passing the bottle between them as they curled beneath the blankets, watching the fire. 

oOoOo

Mahariel waited impatiently outside the door, Tamlen an arm's reach from her. She could still hear Alistair talking and a voice she guessed was Eamon's. 

"I guess the dirt worked," Tamlen joked awkwardly.

"I guess so," she smiled.

They both backed up as the door opened and Alistair walked out. Mahariel had a peek of Eamon, sitting up in his bed as he talked to his wife. Alistair closed the door, his face stern and set.

"Can I talk to you, Juin?" He said quietly.

She frowned and followed him into the library where he closed the doors behind him. Her heart started racing as he gestured for her to sit down.

"Last night," Alistair said softly, "Was the best night of my life. Please...please know that. If I had known, I wouldn't have..."

"Tell me what's wrong," she said.

"Eamon has called a Landsmeet to decide the ruler of Ferelden," he said, "We're heading back to Denerim in the morning. He...he wants to present me as a candidate against Anora, because of my blood."

Her heart sank, "But you don't want that, you've told me that before."

"I didn't," he said, "And especially now, now that we're...together."

"How would it affect-" Then she stopped herself, knowing exactly what he would say next. She was an elf. She was covered in tattoos, Dalish, a stranger. No one would accept a king with her as a mistress, never mind a wife. 

"But you don't have to do it," she protested, "Anora is a fine queen, she could do it just as-"

Alistair walked to her and she rose, pushing him away.

"Don't you dare," she whispered, "Don't you dare say what I know you're going to say. You bastard, you-"

She pounded against his chest as he held her.

"If I had known," he murmured, "I would never have...please believe me. I meant everything I said, I still do. Maybe there's a way out, but I...I don't see one right now. And I can't...I can't keep this going, knowing it's going to end. We can't be together if I'm King. I love you. I would die for you. But I have a duty-"

At the sound of the word, she pushed him away and he stumbled slightly. He didn't go after her as she ran from the room, making her way back to her bedroom. She threw the sheets and pillows across the room, screaming. When attendants came, she refused to let them in, locking the door before sitting in front of the fire. She started sobbing and found she couldn't stop.

oOoOo

Once they returned to Denerim, Mahariel did not speak to Alistair. She did not take him along on any errands or missions. As far as she viewed it, he had made his decision. He was no longer a Grey Warden...or with her. 

This is why Mahariel was alone when she was captured and brought to Fort Drakon. She was alone when she stripped naked and thrown into a cell. She was in shock, unable to comprehend what was happening to her. She curled in the corner, fearful of the eyes of shemlen men, of what they might do to her. She had no strength left to fight, nor did she care. There were two other Grey Wardens, ones with hardened hearts that would be perfectly capable of saving their country.

No one needed her.

She slept in brief intervals in the cold, waiting for them to bring her to trial. At times, she almost felt like she was in her apprenticeship again in the Frostback Mountains, sleeping out in the snow to build her endurance. It was easy enough to pretend she was there and not beaten and hungry in this prison. 

When she heard the sounds of battle, she perked up, almost believing other hunters were nearby, fighting off a creature. She rose to her feet, holding onto the bars as she tried to see what was happening. 

And then she saw him. 

Tamlen walked towards her, covered in blood. He held the keys in his hand. He unlocked the cage and Mahariel stepped back, unsure of what he would say.

He kissed her hungrily, holding her close to him. He threw his cloak around her frame and she shivered. He kissed her again, softer this time.

"Are you hurt?" He whispered.

She shook her head, "Not badly."

He took off his own jacket, wrapping it around her. He took the cloak and tied it around her waist, warming her legs slightly. She tried stepping forward and stumbled. Tamlen knelt, cradling her in his arms. He kissed her again and she touched his face, feeling blood beneath her fingers.

"You're hurt," she murmured.

"I'm fine," he promised, "Come on. I've got you."

She stood weakly and he put his arm around her, helping her walk out of the prison block. A line of guards came towards them and Tamlen left her side, bringing forward his sword. He fought them off while Mahariel broke into a storage locker, grabbing a rusty sword and a crumbling shield. She pushed her way to Tamlen's side, blocking a blow to his side. 

They managed to run out through the entrance, others chasing them. Mahariel led them into a side street, running as hard as she could, though her ribs were aching fiercely. Tamlen followed behind her, though she could see him struggling. She saw an alcove and ducked in, pulling him in with her. They listened as the guards passed them, holding their breaths in unison. 

He held her protectively until they felt safe enough to move. They stumbled back onto the main roads. Mahariel felt herself growing weaker again. Tamlen scooped her up, carrying her as she passed out.

oOoOo

Mahariel woke in bed, hearing shouts outside her room. She sat up and Max jumped onto the bed beside her, nuzzling into her side. She rubbed his ears as she listened in, trying to figure out what was happening.

"You were supposed to wait!" Eamon shouted.

"She would have died if she had stayed," Tamlen said calmly. 

"It is better that we would risk her life then endanger our chances at the Landsmeet."

She heard a scuffle and recognized a few heated words in Elven. She tried to stand, her footing still weak. 

She heard Alistair's voice softly through the door, "Thank you, Tamlen. I should have gone after her myself."

"You made your decision," Tamlen spat, "And I have made mine."

She held her hand to the door, listening closer.

"Damn you," Alistair murmured.

"I already am damned," Tamlen said, "Make your preparations for your Landsmeet, but I will not let you use her as a pawn anymore. Tell your shemlen Queen that if she wants blood spilt in this war, it better be her own."

Mahariel backed up as she heard someone walking towards the door. She walked towards the bed, making it half way when the door opened. She froze, seeing Tamlen standing before her, brimming with anger.

He slammed the door shut and met her across the room, bringing her into a hard kiss. She groaned into his mouth.

"We should talk-" Tamlen moaned, "I've ignored you, I abandoned you, we shouldn't-"

"Shut up," Mahariel ordered.

Tamlen grabbed the back of her head, gripping into her hair as he kissed her. She tore at his clothes, tossing them on the floor. He helped her out of her night gown, putting it lightly on the chair beside them. Then he pushed her into the bed. He kissed down her belly until he met her sex, sucking her clit as he pushed his fingers into her. She bucked against him, but as she grew wet, he withdrew. She opened her thighs, straddling his body. He kissed her as his cock pressed against her folds. She pressed her forehead against his as he entered her, taking a deep breath.

He wasted no time thrusting into her, hard and fast. She gripped onto him, panting. He moaned her name into her shoulder before rising onto his wrists, letting her slip her hand between them. She rubbed at her swollen clit, though the intensity of his strokes, aimed at just the right spot, was nearly enough for her. She shook around him the first time, gasping.

She kissed him before he flipped her onto her stomach. She rose her hips to meet his and groaned happily as he entered her again. With one hand gripping her hip, the other's fingers circling her clit, Tamlen thrust into her, his body slapping against hers.

"I've missed you," he moaned, "I've missed you so much. Creators...Creators, this even better than I remembered."

She pushed back onto him, squeezing around him as she came. He held onto her breasts as his thrusts became erratic and he grunted. She breathed a sigh of relief as she felt him tremble inside of her, spurting. 

Reluctantly they uncoupled, lying beside each other in the bed. He kissed her and they tumbled back into each other's arms, refusing to let go of the other. 

Tamlen said gently, "I'm so sorry, lethallan. I've been such a fool. I thought if I stayed away from you, you had a chance at something better. I'm not...I'm not who I was before. I can't keep you safe."

"You saved my life," she reminded, "Nearly losing your own."

"My life doesn't matter anymore," he murmured, "I've got little time. I thought I was giving you a chance at a good life. Alistair...he is not who I thought he was."

"He's still a good man," Mahariel protested.

"He's a bigger fool than I am to let you go," Tamlen said.

"Is this the only reason you're here now?" Mahariel rolled her eyes, "The competition is gone?" 

"I wanted you to be happy," Tamlen said, "That's all I've ever wanted. I still don't think I can do that, lethallan. But I don't think I can live without you anymore. When I heard where you were...it would have taken the dread wolf himself to tear me from you. If I have little time left...I want to spend it with you, keeping you safe. If you'll have me...I've been so cruel and stupid, I just-"

"Will Zevran be okay?" Mahariel asked, "It doesn't seem fair to him."

Tamlen smiled, "I talked to him already. He and I...we are friends. That is more important to us than anything else. And he cares for you a great deal, for both of us. He is a little disappointed, but he says he is happy that, I quote, "finally gotten our shit together"."

Mahariel laughed softly.

Tamlen nuzzled into her and she rested her head on his chest. 

She said, "About what I said in Haven...I shouldn't have told you then, it wasn't the right time..."

"Creators," he whispered, "It was...it's strange. When I was lost in the forests, I dreamt of our son. Isn't that odd? I dreamt I was coming home to you and our son. Somehow, somehow deep in me, I must have known. When you told me...it was like I already knew. I wish I had been there. I wish it had been me and not you. I...I have failed you, so many times..."

"Don't talk like that," she murmured, "We can't change things. I know you think you have so much less time than me...but it's just as likely I might die during this time too. I don't want to spend it bemoaning what we could have had. Just...just be with me now."

She kissed him again and he rose from the bed.

"You need rest," he said, smiling, "I'll call for some warm water for a bath. We might as well enjoy the decadent shemlen life."

Mahariel smiled tiredly as he kissed her on the forehead.

He left the room, smiling to himself. Mahariel struggled getting her night gown on and looking presentable. She didn't want to shock the servants too much. 

oOoOo

There was an uneasy peace after the Landsmeet. Alistair went ahead to Redcliffe with the official royal party and the Wardens lingered behind, travelling slowly to the west. Tamlen rarely left her side and Zevran heartily supported them. It had taken a few days, but the party quickly adjusted to the new pairings. Mahariel and Tamlen's reunion was a long time coming.

Mahariel had not seen Alistair since hearing him outside of her door weeks earlier. When Riordan called for the three of them to meet him, she was anxious. She wanted to make sure he was safe, but she was still angry. She was angry with Tamlen too, but it was dissipating. They didn't have enough time together to be feuding. 

Mahariel felt sick to her stomach when she entered the room, seeing the three men already there. Alistair looked away from her and Tamlen went to her side, not so subtly stepping between them. Riordan glanced between them before he began.

"Brother and sister," he said, sitting down on the bed, "I have something I must discuss with you. I have just finished speaking to brother Tamlen here. His experience is...unique among us. I wanted to understand better. However...what I am to tell you I did already speak to him about. When we reach Denerim...I..."

Tamlen glanced at his two companions and said, "Whoever kills the Archdemon dies too. Riordan and I have talked. He and I both have the least time."

"Traditionally the eldest takes the blow," Riordan interrupted.

"But I might have a year left," Tamlen said quietly, "Maybe even less. I should be me. There is no doubt in my mind."

Mahariel's heart sank in her chest and she protested, "No...Tamlen, you can't do this."

Tamlen said, "I will not let you die, nor Alistair. The people need you both. I was...unplanned. I was given extra time by you both. It is time to repay the favour."

"No," Mahariel said angrily, "No, you don't get to do this. Tamlen...let me, please, just...Riordan, there's got to be a better way. Right? There's always a better way."

He shook his head, "No, sister."

Alistair said softly, "I'll do it."

Tamlen shook his head, "I will knock you out cold, shemlen, before I let you."

"I can't..." Mahariel whispered, "I...I need some air."

She left the room, stumbling towards her own. She closed the door and knelt before the fire, trying to catch her breath. She barely noticed Morrigan sitting on the bed until she spoke.

"So you know now," Morrigan said, "How Grey Wardens save the world."

Mahariel glanced up at her, "I know that look...what do you know that I don't?"

Morrigan knelt beside her on the floor, telling her everything Flemeth had shared with her. When Morrigan asked, Mahariel pulled away.

"I can't ask it of either of them," she said.

"They both love you," Morrigan said, "Either one would do it."

"Then I'll take the blow," Mahariel said, shaking, "If Riordan can't, I will."

Morrigan murmured, "You know you can't, Juin...I'm not as slow as the men we travel with. You know too, why you can't be there when the Archdemon falls."

Mahariel looked away and said, "I've lost one child before...it won't break me to lose another."

"Does Tamlen know?" 

Mahariel shook her head, "I can't tell him."

"If you don't," Morrigan warned, "You'll regret it. You know you will...Warden...my friend. Don't do this. I have a way to save all three of you...all four of you."

"I can't ask him to do this," she whispered, "He'll hate me...he'll...Creators..."

Morrigan rose, "Then I will."

Mahariel did not move as she left the room. She stayed there by the fire, watching the flames for a long time. She was unaware of how long she sat there until she heard someone walk into her room, slamming the door behind them.

She rose, seeing Tamlen march towards her.

"I'm sorry-" she started.

He kissed her roughly, his fingers tearing at her clothes. She groaned, pushing her dress around her feet. He pulled her onto the ground, still clothed. He unbuckled his belt, just enough to let his cock spring out. He pulled his pants down further before thrusting into her, kicking them off as he went. 

"I did what she asked," he growled, gripping onto her hips, "You want to know how I took her, lethallan? You want to know how she felt around me?"

"I didn't want to tell you," she moaned.

"Didn't want to tell me you were carrying our child?" He groaned.

He pulled her into his lap and she pushed herself down onto him, riding him. He bit down on her neck, sucking on her skin. She moaned as he gripped her hair in his hand, pulling her mouth up to meet his. 

"I was afraid," she whispered.

His hand cupped her ass, squeezing it. 

He groaned, "I wanted to say no to her...but I couldn't risk you...not again."

She kissed him as she came, trembling. She felt him spill inside of her, crying into her shoulder. They stayed together, refusing to let go of the other.

Tamlen murmured, "I'm still dying, Juin. Either way. I don't have much time. I didn't do this to save my life...you need to know that. Riordan...he thinks I might have a year. All the exposure...my body can't take it. This child is a miracle, lethallan. It be a spit in the eyes of the Creators if I didn't do everything I could to protect it."

Mahariel refused to cry, putting her forehead against his. He kissed her before he carried her to the bed. They made love again, softer, slower, until they fell asleep in each other's arms. 

oOoOo

Mahariel settled into her room at Vigil's Keep, laying the baby in the old crib. Nathaniel had found his sister's cradle stored away in the cellars and brought it up especially for her. Her son stirred slightly but she hummed to him softly, leaning in to kiss his forehead. When she was sure he was sleeping, she left the room and went downstairs into the library, knowing who was waiting for her.

Alistair turned, his face softening at the sight of her.

"Juin," he sighed, "Thank the Maker. I wasn't sure you got my messenger, and then I didn't know if you were here when the darkspawn attacked...but you're safe. Is Tamlen here or-"

Alistair left the question in the air and Mahariel shook her head, sitting down. She gestured for him to sit across from her.

"Did he go to the Deep Roads at the end?" Alistair asked quietly.

Mahariel said, "After Denerim, we went back to Lanaya's clan. Tamlen...he was not doing well. He was already feeling the Calling then, but he wanted to hold on until our son was born. We lived among them for a few months, until the end. Tamlen was losing his sight and his hearing by that point. It wasn't going to be long until...until he wasn't him anymore. The others were growing fearful and he didn't want me to see the rest. Riordan-after our brother in arms-was born...Tamlen held him. He stayed with us for another two days. Then Lanaya helped him pass. I sat by him, I held his hand, the baby in my arm. I left before the funeral. I already went through one for him, I couldn't do it again. I was already on the road here when Mhairi found me. She was a comfort, I...I regret that she did not survive her Joining."

"Only a few weeks ago," Alistair murmured, "Juin...I'm so sorry."

"It is better to be here than with the Dalish," she said, "I...they were apprehensive about the child. Maybe because they saw what happened to Tamlen. It was uncomfortable."

"He was a brave man," Alistair comforted, "I am sorry I did not get to say goodbye before you left the city. When he took the blow on Fort Drakon...I thought he was going to die...he looked so...so far gone. I'm amazed he hung on so long, but...I know he loved you. He would have done it all again for you."

Mahariel was unsure whether to laugh or cry. Alistair tentatively knelt before her, holding her hands.

"I think if he would have lived longer," she admitted, "We would not have been back together. I tried so hard to keep him...but he wasn't him anymore. I guess I wasn't the same either. I am glad I was with him in the end. I loved him; I'll never stop loving him. But when I mourned him this time...it was like I had already said goodbye a long time ago."

"But you have a son," Alistair said softly, "A bit of him survived."

Mahariel laughed darkly, covering her mouth.

Alistair frowned, "What is it? Is he healthy? Is he alright?"

Mahariel met his gaze and asked, "If you had stayed a Grey Warden...would you still be with me now?"

"The Maker could not tear me from you," Alistair murmured, "You know that. If I had any choice...I love you. I love you more than my own life. I may marry, have children, but I will always love you first."

"Would you like to hold him?" Mahariel asked nervously. 

Alistair nodded tentatively, rising to his feet. He followed her upstairs, her heart pounding. His fingers brushed against hers as he entered the room, closing the door behind him. 

Mahariel hesitated before picking Riordan up. He stirred, opening his eyes, and crying slightly. She rocked him and kissed his forehead before handing him over. 

Alistair beamed, the small child nearly disappearing in his large arms.

"He's so big for a month year old," he said, "Look at him. He's going to be a fighter. I can see it. Or a baker. Or a blacksmith. Or anything he wants. I've never seen such a handsome-"

He froze, his grin disappearing. Mahariel held her breath, knowing what was to come next.

"He doesn't have pointed ears," Alistair whispered.

She shook her head, "No, he doesn't."

Alistair started to stumble and Mahariel took the baby from him, putting him back in his crib. She helped Alistair to the bed and he sat, trying to catch his breath.

"He's mine?" He whispered hoarsely, "Did you...did you know?"

She sighed and nodded, "My bloods had stopped before Tamlen and I got back together. I hoped...but I knew. He was so sick, there was no way it could have been his. But...Tamlen loved him. He didn't see him well enough. I didn't want to hurt him...I wasn't going to tell him I was pregnant, not when I knew it wasn't his. But what was I going to say? And I couldn't tell you. You were already going to be king, I couldn't hurt you either..."

She looked up with him with tears in her eyes, "I didn't think you would come here. I thought you wouldn't find out...if you did, he would be older, and you would be married with kids of your own and it wouldn't matter..."

Alistair said softly, "I don't know what to say right now. Maker...I feel...I don't know how I feel. I can't imagine...I can't imagine how you feel right now. I wish you told me, I wish I had helped you. I would have slept with Morrigan, I would have done anything-"

"Which is why I didn't tell you," Mahariel said gently, "I loved you both. I couldn't hurt you, not when it wouldn't matter months later. I was losing you both."

"You haven't lost me yet," Alistair said, touching her cheek.

"You think Eamon would be thrilled to have us in the family?" She laughed, "Bastard of a bastard? Elf-blooded? Son of a heathen? That would go over really well."

"I don't care," Alistair promised, "I made a mistake before. I shouldn't have left you. I should have chosen you. I won't make that mistake again."

"I don't know," she whispered.

"Come back with me," he pleaded, "It's not safe for you both up here. You're still recovering and he's so small. I don't care about anything else. Just..."

He kissed her, cupping her face in his hands. 

"Can you forgive me?" She asked softly.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" He smiled weakly.

She wiped tears from her eyes and he took her hands in his. Riordan started crying and Alistair stood, taking him from his crib. Alistair rocked him in his arms, snuggling into him.

Alistair looked lost in his own world, smiling at his son. 

Mahariel brought her knees to her chest, waiting until he placed a sleeping Riordan back into the crib. She rose, standing beside him over the crib. Alistair put his arm around her, nuzzling into her neck.

"The new Orleasian commander will be here in a few days," he said, "Come back to Denerim with me. I'll officially recognize him as my son and you as my consort. You can't be queen or even a princess, but you can be my wife...if you want, of course."

Mahariel looked away.

Alistair murmured, "I know I can't replace Tamlen. I'm not trying to. And we don't have to go back, not right away. We can stay here as long as you want. I just...I don't want to be away from you again...either of you."

She said, "I'm tired and hormonal and...exhausted. I want to go back with you, I do. I just need to make sure I'm doing the right thing."

He kissed her cheek, "I understand. Go get some sleep." 

Alistair left the room, hesitating at Riordan's crib. Mahariel closed the door and picked up the baby, bringing him over to the bed. She laid down beside him, watching him sleep.

She said softly, "We'll be safe in Denerim, you and me. Your daddy will take care of us, you'll never be hungry or afraid. It is what Tamlen would have wanted for you, for us. I hope you know how much you are loved...my little prince, my little hunter."

She pulled him onto her chest and she sat against the headboard, cradling him. She kissed the top of his head before she walked back to the crib, lying him back down. 

Mahariel went to the window, watching the snowfall from the sky, the wind howling around them. She wanted to find Alistair then and tell him what she had decided, but she turned, hearing the door open again.

Alistair stood there, looking sheepish.

"Sorry," he apologized, "I couldn't sleep without saying-"

She walked over to him and kissed him passionately. 

"I love you," she whispered.

He smiled, "That's what I was going to say."

"I'll go with you," she said softly.

"I'll make the arrangements in the morning...and try to find you a ring," Alistair said. 

She couldn't help but giggle and he kissed her. 

"I'll see you tomorrow," she promised.

"Tomorrow then," he said, kissing her hand. 

She watched him leave and closed the door behind him. She stripped into her nightclothes and sat in bed, bringing the covers around her. She looked back out the window, taking a deep breath.

She echoed, "Tomorrow."


End file.
